he-who-shall-be-named.

There are so many names for my God. Ancient Hebrews knew Him by some seven names-

1. Eloah.
2. Elohim.
3. Adonai.
4. Ehyeh-Asher-Ehyeh.
5. Yahweh.
6. Shaddai.
7. Zebaot.

Aren't they beautiful? So beautiful, in fact, that some Jews will not even write His Name, so as to avoid erasing or defacing it. They exalt God that much.

Here I am, struggling every day with using His beautiful name in vain. Well, now I'm done. There are people who will not even pick up a pen just to write a Name, out of pure reverence for him.

Reverence. I want to revere Him that much.

El.
God. Simply, El means God.

El Shaddai.
God Almighty. El Shaddai- say it out loud. And again. And revel in the way it sounds His glory.

Shalom.
Peace. What He provides me, when I trust Him.

Adonai.
Lord. I have always preferred to call Him Lord. I have friends that call him anything from "Father God" to "Daddy". I like Lord. It's so beautiful.

YHWH.
Yahweh. This is the Name often considered too sacred to utter. This is God's personal Name.

"Be glorified
Be magnified
Our El Shaddai
Praise Adonai
We cry holy
We cry holy
We cry holy
Adonai"
Regardless, Jimmy Needham

song of the day.

"I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord."
- Hallelujah, Jeff Buckley

Music is so fantastic. It evokes emotion like nothing else in existence. And it's every kind.

Current favorites:
1. Paramore
2. Lady Gaga
3. The Spill Canvas
4. Tegan & Sara
5. Jennifer Knapp
6. The Ting Tings

I wish I had more money. I'm no LimeWire kid.

Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.
Music.

All time favorite songs:
1. You Can't Always Get What You Want, The Rolling Stones
2. I Gotta Feelin, The Black Eyed Peas
3. Desire, Ryan Adams
4. Broken, Lifehouse
5. Lux Aurumque (Light & Gold), Eric Whitacre
6. In Christ Alone

People here. I'll stop schpeeling for a bit.

shark bite.

So the Christmas party was quite eventful. There was blood.

We took a drive to the ocean, and went for a quick Christmas swim. There was a huge Great White. I'm alive, but only barely. We were raced to the hospital to try and reattatch my hand. There was so little hope...

I'm kidding. I live in Tennessee, and it's December. I was washing dishes, and did this:

It was exciting, nonetheless. I had four stitches and it's all white and bandanged now. Lovely.

I have a very low pain tolerance, by the way. Very low.

When I ran out of the room in reaction the the cut, the first thing L. and H. did was look in the sink. "Where's the finger?"

It only took them a few brief seconds to realize who had just gotten hurt. No big. ;)

paramore, honesty, and christmastime.

Today is a day for Paramore. I wonder when they're coming to the Boro. I have become quite fond of their music lately (see my playlist below, haha). Their music is... catchy. It's simplistic, not particularly great. But catchy. It's good for me.

I bought a new journal a couple of weeks ago. It's bound like a book, and it's got a stack of plain books in multiple colors pictured on it. I thought it would inspire me to write. This is high school, my thoughts go. I'll want to remember these days. But I haven't written a thing yet. I'll think about doing it, sure. Think about what I'll write. But I never actually have. Then I thought maybe I'll keep my quiet times recorded in it, in place of a journal. Basically the same thing. But it's time for honesty. I haven't done quiet times. It's like God is starting to push me to really follow him. Give up my life to live the one He wants me to. And guess what?

It's really hard.

I like my life. As flawed as it is, as many times as I just want to scream in frustration, as frustrated as I am with my unknown future, as much hurt as seems to surround me. I really, really like my life. I'm comfortable.

I have been warned so many times about being comfortable. How dangerous it is for a person's inner being. (I can't believe I just said "inner being") Comfort, I have come to believe, halts change. Change can be positive or negative, but it is so necessary. We cannot stay stagnant as a ponds for the rest of our lives. We must change.

Paramore has a song:

I can feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
We're better off without you
Feel the pressure
It's getting closer now
You're better off without me.
-Pressure, Paramore

It's fitting for things going on right now.

Mmm. It's Christmastime. Party tonight. Me and my giiiirls. I'm so excited. I've been alone nearly all break so far. I've just begun Breaking Dawn today. I finished New Moon and Eclipse during my plethora of alone time (I hope I used that word right; I should try expanding my vocabulary). Page 98, and it's already infinitely better written than the first three (though I only read the first hundred pages of Twlight).

Oh geez. I'm writing about Twilight. Curse you, Stephanie Myers, and your grotesque writing of adorable stories. I definitely need this party tonight. Haha. Get away from Edward, Jacob, and Bella. Ahh.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
From now on, your troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
From now on, our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Through the years
We all will be together
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now

i am intrepid.

I really want to take a walk. Out in the middle of nowhere. Be alone. Breathe really really deep. Fill up my lungs. Take a look at things. Form a proper perspective.

I am a fiasco.

"There's a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic propotions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to other's to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them."
- Elizabethown (2005)

Elizabethtown is one of my favorite movies of all time. And this is one of the lines that has always stuck with me.

I had a revelation a few months ago: I am a fiasco.

I began to believe that my entire life (or at least the past couple of years) has been a mistake. I began to regret.

I watched that movie, and I thought, Wow, I'm Drew Baylor.

Not literally, of course. He designed a shoe that failed, well, epically. I was only looking at my time as wasted, my friends not plentiful enough. I was ungrateful.

Then I found it. I found the truth. Veritas.

I am no fiasco.

God. The God of the Earth. The Creator. The Alpha, the Omega. Adonai. El Shadai. He created me. And because of that, I am no fiasco.

I am intrepid.

There's another line in Elizabethtown. "We are intrepid; we carry on."

Merriam-Webster defines Intrepid as "characterized by resolute fearlessness, fortitude, and endurance"

And I believe that any believer is intrepid. We stand for God. We are absolute.

Please, God. Please help me. I need you. With you, I am intrepid. I am fearless. I am strong. I endure.

"You're blessed when you've lost it all.
God's kingdom is there for the finding.
You're blessed when you're ravenously hungry.
Then you're ready for the Messianic meal.
You're blessed when the tears flow freely.
Joy comes with the morning."
-Luke 6:20-21 (The Message)

quiet.

I love silence. When you can just think.

It's never really quiet anymore in my life. I'm either at school (where kids yell and fight and argue- yes, I am one of those kids) or at a rehearsal (music is not always soothing when you're the one making it- or rather, being yelled at because it's not perfect) or at home (it's loud here too- the TV is always on, or DeAnna's music, or mine).

I was reading a Facebook note today that mentioned quiet times. I never have a quiet time. That might be a good next step to take.

I've never really had a quiet time. It's been engrained in me for years that quiet times are the best way to get to God. I don't agree, necessarily. I do, however, believe that it's probably true for a lot of people. Being alone to sit and listen for Him.

"Be still, and know that I am God."
- Psalm 46:10a (NKJV)

I occasionally find time to read my Bible at night. Sort of dive in, you know? It always goes well after I start doing it. I become engulfed in God's Word, it's beauty. But so often, I'm "too tired."

Who am I kidding?

It's God. Am I really too tired? I've got to stop saying that. Seriously. I'm missing out!! Every time I do decide to stay up, I learn so much about Him. And it's awesome. And really, I mean, I can do it at other times. I'm busy, but I'm not too busy for God. I've just got to remember that.

"Feel
The sunlight on my face
You have brought me
Through this place
Jesus, Jesus
You found me
Through the long night
You led me
You set me free"
-You Led Me, BarlowGirl

So here's to quiet times and what they may (hopefully) become.

blessing.

today, i was blessed. incredibly so. i achieved a dream- all state. i'm so happy, so proud of myself, so proud of everyone else who achieved a dream today. it's an awesome thing.

god really blesses people.

i don't deserve this. no. i didn't work as hard as some of the kids who placed under me. it's based on chance. i was lucky- i was blessed.

so this is what's next:
1. be thankful.
2. not let anything go to my head- this is only a great blessing.
3. practice more.
4. pray. a lot.

because, after all, even if i don't happen to make a career of music, this is still a gift- a god-given gift- and i should use it as such. and i'll pray about it. how should i use this gift? is there something i can do?

i have to work hard to be an example. i'm such a failure. it's even just the silly things. things that i shouldn't do anyway. i can do this. i can live my life for him. i'll be happier that way, i'll feel better about it all.

"be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is god's will for you in christ jesus."
- 1 thessalonians 5:16-18

thank You.

time management.

i should really learn this art of time management. i am a very busy person. so this whole, do it however the wind blows you thing- not working out so well.

i have to cram for school and auditions. i have to search desperately for time with a friend or two. and i keep hoping things will calm down. but nope. nada. i'm still going strong.

i'm ready for christmas break. i'm in high school, and any person who has ever experienced high school knows that christmas break is god's gift to us.

thank you, lord. in all seriousness. i like christmas break.

i like time to relax. time to just sit, think, read a book. i really like reading. it's a really great thing. harry potter, twilight (yeah, i gave in after seeing new moon- but, i did skip the actual novel that is twilight; i went straight for new moon), lord of the rings, anything written by jodi picoult- and that's just to mention what is currently on my mind.

books are wonderful. reading is one of the greatest things. i am so lucky to have access to all of the wonderful reading that i do. it's intelligence. thank god for the renaissance, or else we'd all just sit around throwing rocks in ponds all day and smiling at the ripples.

so-

i will read more. i will sleep more. i will listen to better music. i will take time to breathe. i will stay happy.

real.

reality.

i'm a very realistic person. sometimes a little skeptic of things. pretty cynical. sometimes for a good dose of dry humor for the rest of the world- sometimes for real. pessimistic.

but i do know these things:

1. there is always some kind of silver lining. i just have to look for it.
2. music is wonderful.
3. i'm growing up more quickly than i probably want to.
4. god is real.

i like reality. i like god. he's a good thing. for me, especially. so. he will be the focus of my life.

i want him to be the focus of my life. not silly things. not petty things. like music, my future, my friends, my family, my cat. it's ridiculous. he is too important to put anything below everything.

"what good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?"
- mark 8:36

i believe there are good things in the world. things i can love. things i can have fun with. live my life. but i also believe that i have to learn to put god first.

because he's real.

so i'm going to do that. i'm going to include him in the things i love. i will say a prayer before that silly math test that i may just fail tomorrow. i will thank him every time i have a good talk with a friend.

i need what's real. i need reality.

a step forward.

well. here it goes.
i'm taking a step forward. i'm moving forward, unlike i have been. i have been...

stagnant.

and that's a really terrible thing.
so. here's a blog. to represent my step forward. and i'll write to it... you? whatever.

either way.
i'm excited.

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the lord.
- jeremiah 29:11a